Count Dracula gulped down one last mouthful and laid the body carefully on the bench. Several drops of blood rolled down his fangs and left an untidy smear on his cape. Dracula winced. He had one more item on his to-do list this year \u2014 a visit to an official institution. So he would rather not have any stains to compromise him. At least the fabric was black.<\/p>\n
Dracula took off his cape and flung it over his arm. He pulled a scroll from his sleeve and broke into a brisk walk towards a building with a sign that read \u201cEU Commission for Imaginary Creatures.\u201d<\/p>\n
A man behind a desk tore his gaze from the papers and looked up at Dracula.<\/p>\n
\u201cGDPR, you say?\u201d He struck a mocking tone: \u201c\u2018Santa Claus collects the personal data of innocent children for unknown purposes, stores such data, puts kids through behavior profiling, and worse \u2026 \u2018 You think you\u2019re being original?\u201d he added in his normal voice.<\/p>\n
\u201cBut \u2026 the data \u2026 \u201d the count mumbled.<\/p>\n
\u201cCome on, we\u2019ve been getting this crap about GDPR and Santa since the day they announced it. Everyone and his mother has already whined about it.\u201d The EU Commissioner pulled open a desk drawer containing a sizable pile of papers and flicked Dracula\u2019s complaint on top of it.<\/p>\n
He consulted his laptop briefly, pulled it shut, and picked it up.<\/p>\n
\u201cHe collects data. Let me show you something. Purely out of respect for your ancient lineage.\u201d<\/p>\n
The two of them walked to a storage room. The EU Commissioner threw the door open and gestured to the count to enter.<\/p>\n
The room housed racks of shelves full of colored folders. Many of them looked old, and they were labeled in various languages. The Commissioner approached the first long rack, receding somewhere into infinity, and gave it a light slap with his hand:<\/p>\n
\u201cUnlawful entry. Violation of residence immunity. Mostly through the chimney. Even in homes with no chimney. Some of these files come from places whose very existence is kept secret for reasons of national security.\u201d<\/p>\n
He took a few more steps and pointed at another rack, a smaller one, and ticked off on his fingers: \u201cViolation of airspace. Flights without transponders. Unauthorized flights.\u201d<\/p>\n
The Commissioner jabbed with his finger at a shelf of bright green folders:<\/p>\n
\u201cThese ones are complaints by the bleeding hearts. Abuse of animals. He coerces deer into flying, you know. And they demand medical care for Rudolph; that red nose doesn\u2019t look healthy.\u201d<\/p>\n
Dracula felt a bit less sure of himself. He kept glancing at the endless shelves of files. The Commissioner was clearly having a good time. He stopped at one of the racks, pulled out a folder, opened it, and read aloud: \u201c\u2018Be it known that Claus is the German form of the name Nicholas. How is it permissible today, in 1944, to have a German dropping into the homes of British army officers \u2026 ?'\u201d<\/p>\n
He replaced the folder and took another one from a nearby shelf: \u201cOh, here\u2019s my favorite one! From the Cold War era! \u2018Have you ever wondered why Santa Claus always wears RED?! The agents of communism, flying over our heads, are undermining our principles. Meanwhile, Moscow\u2019s largest toy store is located on Dzerzhinsky Square, formerly Lubyanka, next-door to KGB headquarters! Where does he get those gifts, anyway?'\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cBut that\u2019s all history,\u201d attempted Dracula. \u201cThat\u2019s not the point at all. In the age of digital revolution \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n
\u201cDigital age? You want to talk about the digital age? You got it!\u201d The Commissioner wrenched open his laptop, set it on one of the shelves, and opened a document. \u201cHere, read!\u201d<\/p>\n
Dracula peered at the text: I work for a super-secret organization I am not authorized to disclose. I often work at home with super-secret information, the nature of which is classified. My computer stays on overnight, even on Christmas. Therefore, I am certain that Santa Claus had the opportunity to access the source code, the purpose of which I cannot reveal. Moreover, he might have handed this code over to people who pose a threat to our national security. <\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWell, that sounds stupid,\u201d ventured Dracula.<\/p>\n \u201cStupid? That\u2019s not the worst one. This one here is truly idiotic, though!\u201d The Commissioner opened another file, a scanned copy of a handwritten page with a clumsy signature:<\/p>\n Be it known to you that Santa Claus has a Russian Federation citizen\u2019s ID under the name Ded Moroz. Thus, using corporate parties for cover, penetrates the offices of IT security companies. Moreover, we are certain that he can get unauthorized access to the data of these companies\u2019 clients and pass such data on to third parties. <\/em><\/p>\n Anonymous ex-workshop elves<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cSo you are hardly unique, my dear Count,\u201d smiled the Commissioner, closing his laptop. \u201cThe reasons vary, but deep down, the complaints are all the same \u2014 you\u2019re looking to spoil the holiday. But even if I wanted to \u2014 which I certainly don\u2019t \u2014 I still wouldn\u2019t be able to nail Santa to the wall. He has a huge network of impersonators operating around the world. And as soon as somebody brings forward a specific charge, it turns out that the act was perpetrated by a totally different person dressed as Santa Claus. GDPR? Nice try. Do you have any idea what modern kids write to Santa? Here, read.\u201d The Commissioner handed Dracula a paper covered with a child\u2019s handwriting.<\/p>\n Dear Santa, On behalf of myself, as well as in the name and on behalf of my four-year-old brother Marcus, I authorize you to collect, process, and store our personal data for the purpose of selection and delivery of Christmas gifts. Notarized copies of this permission signed by our parents, acting as our legal representatives, are enclosed. Please bring a hoverboard for me and a fishing rod or Legos for my brother.<\/em><\/p>\n